I can’t believe I haven’t yet written about the broad issue of the given name. It’s an issue that I know plagues a number of young adults born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma. Sikh Dharma/3HO converts are given a “spiritual” name, with roots in sanskrit and gurmukhi. My given name was three syllables, plus my middle name kaur and my last name khalsa. Alot of names start with a Sat, Siri or Gur (or both, or even all three!)
Needless to say, once away from 3HO, introductions were not much fun. With names like Satgurschnrub Kaur Khalsa, and so on, one can relate!
I’ve come to have the opinion that Right-off-the-bat inquiries into the origins of my name are actually nosey and borderline rude, as opposed to when I was younger and really did think someone was truly interested in ME. Lesson? Don’t ask someone about their life story when just having been introduced to them seconds ago. For years, in my attempt at evading the saga that was my (our) upbringing, I’d get uncomfortable and squirmy and wound up just wanting who ever it was I was speaking with to go away, leave me alone. Sometimes I used the old “hippie parents” routine, but the dilemma was that I felt compromised, because, well, I know that most hippies still managed to keep their own identities. I’m letting my parents (and their leader) off too easily by dismissing their choices as typical hippie behavior.
But be frank and use the word CULT and your new acquaintance gets a little uncomfortable. Or maybe just a little too intrigued for a first encounter. Either way, it’s no solution.
I find myself particularly in a jam when I meet someone from India. They understand my name, easily identify it as Indian and usually translate it for me from whatever language they most easily identify with. They then want to know, and often act as if they are entitled to an explanation. They want to know how a white person with no apparent signs of religious conversion wound up with an Indian name! Desperate to not be pegged as the girl who just discovered yoga and how good her ass looks in yoga pants, yet only managed to expand her knowledge of Hindu culture enough to start going by saraswati, I say “I was born with this name”. And then usually that just leads to more questions…
No… Way… Out…
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Cut to now. I often shorten my name on first encounters, and it suits me, and the situation almost every time.
11 Replies to “On Given Names”
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I think by insisting on naming our children, Bhajan was usurping the main symbolic link between a parent and child. And by letting him do that, I gave up my God-given responsibiliy as a parent. It also ofcourse, seems like we're from a different culture that isn't our own.
On a lighter note, I was commenting to my mother how crazy it was for Michael Jackson to name his child "Prince Michael". She said not any crazier than what you did. Our names meant princess, Great, God himself, etc. Only in another language.
My mother thought I changed my name to "City Rent a Car" the first time I told her about it.
I'm surprised you haven't changed your name. Why haven't you changed your name?
It's something I have struggled with. I don't feel like it's my name, but I don't feel like any others fit either. Insert mini-identity crisis here.
Funny what you said – I did tell my parents that they had shirked their parental responsibility by not naming me themselves. Turns out they both had names they would have chosen for me (Michelle, Anne, Angela). Hmmm. I knew about as many Michelle's as I did children with my Sikh name – which is to say quite a few, actually. Strangers might have thought my name was unique or original, but the truth was I knew at least 5 other boys and girls my age with the same name. I'm sure there were/are many more.
As far as my parents and changing my name is concerned, I figure that's a bit like the hair cutting thing. My dads parents gave him crap for NOT cutting his hair, he didn't speak to me for two months after I cut mine. Their parents were undoubtedly upset by the name changing thing, but they did it anyways. It would be a little hypocritical for them to judge me changing mine. Hell, they didn't even give my mine…
And yet, while I do not practice or identify with the religion now, I have had this name for over 30 years. It is on my checks, my credit cards, my e-mail signature at work. It is on my daughters birth certificate.
My daughters middle name is not Kaur. I guess that will have to be enough for me for now.
Like you said, it's the name I've had for 30 plus years, it is, as different as it is, my name. I do know people who have changed their names and it has worked out for them. When it came to that decision for me, I realized it was the last name that I'd rather be rid of than the first name, so that's what I did.
"And yet, while I do not practice or identify with the religion now, I have had this name for over 30 years. It is on my checks, my credit cards, my e-mail signature at work. It is on my daughters birth certificate."
We first changed our birth names to Sikh names when we had no ties or responsibilites. It was too simple. We just petitioned the court- didn't even have to go in. But later on when we had children, owned a home, had diplomas, credit cards, real jobs- it not only cost thousands, but engendered much suspicion later on when we had to reveal our past to employers etc. We wanted out though- and we perservered. Because our son was already 7yrs old, we used his Sikh first name as his middle name, thinking it would give him some continuity. He vows to change it when he grows up,and never uses it.
I think that I and the city-rent-a-car anonymous poster may have been friends in the same ashram in the late 1980s. If so, you are originally from New York, I am originally from Massachusetts, both of our fathers were lawyers. I would love to be in touch with you if there is a way you would be open to that.
I just changed my last name. My birth certificate has my fathers last name and it was changed legaly by my parents shortly after. After spending so much time in India and hearing what a Khalsa was supposed to be, I always felt like a hypocrit sporting that name since I certainly was not going to live a lifestyle of madatory prayers and a giant pair of underware resembling a sack. It seemed strange that Khalsa would be attached to everyones name without them taking Amrit and being baptised, almost as if someone was trying to force me into a vow and lifestyle I wasn't willing to lead.
Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean. Luckily my name was never legally changed to the 3HO name, so I never quite forgot that I had had another life before YB. From a sociological perspective, the name change is a tool within cults to sever ties and create conflict/distance with non-members, especially family, and to create bonds within the group. Same with the "distinctive" clothing, ie; bana. Totally common. Creates an "us" and "them" dynamic. I'm so glad that I never have to use that horrible name again!! I'm still friends with a lot of people from college who knew me by the cult name, even though I had left the cult years before. Whenever anyone who knew me by that name uses it, I always tell them that it reminds me of a very painful part of my life any time I hear the sound of that name. Thankfully people understand, and it's amazing how they adjust. On facebook, the Indian kids we went to school with us have no idea about any of this, and usually when they figure out who I am, from photos, they say Oh, you're_____(3HO name)!! So to them I say that it was a name given to me by YB, who I believe is a fraud, and to please call me by the name my family gave me. That usually works.
My name was never legally changed from my Christian name to my Sikh name. My drivers license was already in my Christian name so the change back was pretty easy.