SGA Stories: From “S”

I grew up in 3H0 and went through all of it from the time I was seven years old.

The more I read accounts from others, the more I realize that my inability to cope in alot of areas in my life now ( I’m now 32) are not unique to me alone. You’d think that not being alone would be some sort of comfort, but for me it’s not. It’s just a reminder that there were alot of us being abused and year after year nothing was ever done. No one ever stood up for us to get it stopped, not our parents or anyone. They all either just ignored it or didn’t believe us when we tried to tell them what was really going on.

I could probably spend days recounting my experiences, but for now I’ll just say that the abuses were brutal and personal and extremely damaging.

I was younger during Nanak Dev’s reign of terror, so I luckily didn’t encounter him much, but I got it from other adults both Indian and American and from other kids.

And I got it from Yogi Bhajan back in the US after I left India as well. He managed to make me out to be some sort of criminal thereby isolating me completely from my friends and peers and from my parents. It’s been so many years now and I’ve done lots of searching for some way to be OK now, and it all just lingers on and on, making it nearly impossible for me to be happy or trusting or open at all.

I’ve done alot of really great things over the years that I’m really proud of, but it feels empty as if I’m waiting for some sort of validation from someone or somewhere that I know doesn’t exist, yet I keep waiting for it. There aren’t alot of us who truly talk about this stuff or who openly admit that it’s affected us as much as it has. For some reason, we still cling to the notion that ‘what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger’ bullshit attitude. Well, I for one, am not stronger. I’m just really good at faking it most of the time. It makes me unbearbly sad when I think about it all. And, I don’t want to be sad anymore and I don’t want anyone else who was there to be sad anymore either.

We were dealt a very unjust hand in our young lives and there are very real people who are to blame who must know how badly they affected us. At least I hope they know. Maybe it’s time we tell them? Maybe it’s time we get apologies, not excuses.

I don’t know, all I do know is that I struggle everyday to just be OK. To get up and go to work, to know that I am worth every effort and that I deserve to be happy. I just want anyone else who experienced 3H0 the way I did that you too deserve every happiness. And talking about it does actually help a bit and there are people who will listen.

–S
April, 2008